Friday, July 17, 2009
mehr.

boy i wanted nothing more than to crawl inside you,
to live inside your heart and feel it's beat surround me
I wanted only to feel your love.

and when instead I felt you tightening your words
I wanted to tear you open
and find all those things you wouldn't say to me

but you could never let me be on your side
I simply can't love you enough



Posted at 03:25 pm by marsfire331
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Sunday, April 12, 2009
bleh.


to the point of tears" - Camus

Maybe it's just another excuse I'm hanging on to in order to justify the bleakness I feel. Everything is muted, quiet, unfeeling, unmoving- except the late drive home, all alone on the road in the dark. One day I'll time it right and drive til morning, I won't look back then.

The distance I feel is unreal. "How is it that we are never really alone, but at the same time, we always feel alone- despite everything?" I want to let the walls down, but I don't want to let anyone in. Everything here is on rewind, remember. It's driving me crazy and I can't get away fast enough.



Thursday, February 19, 2009 
it's a bad idea to burn bridges that you may want to cross again in the future...
But it's too late to back out now.

Three hours, five days, six weeks, four months, an entire fucking year.
It doesn't matter.

"Antlers, of course, are deciduous- they fall off, they grow back, they fall off again.
Such is the unsexy math of life."

And so, even if I do happen to burn bridges- that doesn't mean they can't be rebuilt if the times comes. I'm too young to be caught up worrying about it so much- Let it be another mistake, another experience- just something fucking different.

No more promises, no more lies.
I'm not going to be sorry anymore.

Wednesday, February 04, 2009 


I realize everytime I find myself in a new relationship, I start thinking "This is my first real  relationship" like everything else was just a fuck up...

Now, that may or may not actually be true... I mean, uneven long distance relationships, relationships where I knew the other person was cheating, mistakes I made in friendships, latching on to someone just because he knew the right thing to say at the right time... I mean, those could all definitely be considered big fuck ups... but they were also good lessons, good times and also, still love.

It's so funny when I mention "boyfriend" to people I went to high school with and they freak out... because I was never "with" anyone in high school. It was always Scott, it was always title-less, it was always 'just hanging out' or whatever... it is so foreign for them to hear me say "my boyfriend". I find that odd... but I also still find the "boyfriend" title odd...
because when I mean it, I mean 'I really love this boy and I want him to be around for awhile'
or
when I don't- 'I have fun  hanging out with this boy, but he kind of just wants to get in my pants and not have me seeing other people so he calls himself my boyfriend'

When it means everything, there are no rules. It's simply understood.
But when it means nothing, it's simple. Black and white, dos and don'ts.

And it always ends. And the next one will be my "first real relationship" and so will the next one and the next  one, until I'm  older and I've figured everything else out- and  I'll see that everything until then was just practice, was just glimpses of what could be, was just to let me know what was wrong for me so I know and appreciate what is right for me.

At least I'm pretty sure that's how it's gonna go...






Wednesday, January 21, 2009 
Fucking scarred from the past relationships that meant something to me, and completely disillusioned with the ones that didn't. I clearly don't how to behave in a "regular" relationship. I'm fucking clingy and I know I need to detach, but my stupid fucking heart is already in it.
And once again, I'm the one who's wrong. Simply, I must not be capable of being in any kind of healthy relationship.
You know, the worst part is, I keep fighting the "heartbreak", hoping it's a just a false start. One way or another, it's just going to happen again, I should concede. I should give up. Never fucking try again.
But I'm already in.
And as far as I can recall, I've never been able to just quit.
This has always been my problem... liking people too much.
It's got to be give and take. There must be reciprocation.
And also room for growth.
These are things I've learned, things I know. Things I need to remember whilst I am going crazy.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008 
And I've changed too. A lot.

Whereas before I would think over every action endlessly until I'd talked myself out of whatever it was I was thinking about doing, now- I just do it. I don't care. You never know what's going to happen until you try it. So.

I've opened new doors and found new ways around old situations. Whereas before, I wouldn't consider the things I'm doing now- I've surrendered to impluse and ideas and I'm more in love with life than ever... and it keeps getting better.

Nothing is certain, and I honestly have no idea, but I know it's going to be okay.

Thursday, June 05, 2008 
It's gonna be alright. Remember we're just getting started, the first official day of summer hasn't even happened yet.

I think the summer boy thing has kinda been blown out of proportion...
I mean honestly, last summer was perfect- but it wasn't just the boy.
There's really no perfection to strive for here, it's all perfect just the way it is- a flingy love interest isn't required, it's the accessory. Promise.

What made last summer perfect was the way we were happy. The way we'd drive around for hours pulling over, jumping out and dancing in random parking lots like idiots hoping no one would pay attention. The way we'd climb up on the rooftop and take really bad pictures, admiring the moon, the stars, and the city lights. The way we'd call each other as a storm was coming in, waiting  for it to get to us so we could go dance unabashedly in the rain. It was the way we were free from inhibitions, not purposefully looking for attention most of the time... The way we'd dress ridiculously and then go play in sprinklers. The way you'd come to my house while I snuck out and we'd run around for hours in the middle of the night playing the bunny game. It was the meteor shower, it was the trampoline, but most of all, it was the company.

It was knowing that the people there with you were really there- knowing that you were feeling the same thing as the person next to you, feeling that maybe everything wasn't perfect, but at that moment, it was right.

Last summer was the first summer there was an absence of the depression that seems to hang around our lives. What made last summer perfect was the absence of tragic heartbreaks from first loves and the freedom we found in just being.

So now we're two years past all that... or maybe just a few months, but that's besides the point.
Yes, the boys are fun, but they're not necessary. Our boys are really all we need, they are the ones who make summers perfect because they are the ones who will still be here when summer's over.
Currently listening:
Santogold
By Santogold
Release date: 2008-04-29

Saturday, May 03, 2008 

Current mood:  nostalgic
"If I had stopped to listen once or twice
If I had closed my mouth and opened my eyes
If I had cooled my head and warmed my heart
I wouldn't be on this road tonight
Carry on, never feel sorry for yourself
It doesn't save you from your troubled mind..."


Wow. Tonight... was amazing, and crazy...
My choir, my family, my love. Tonight was our last performance... we've been together, singing and being crazy, since middle school... and now... it's done.

I remember freshman year, our first Shindig, waiting in the wings with Candace, getting a little teary watching Jimmy and Nick sing...
Tonight, four years later, it was us. Surrounded by the former choir students we'd watched before, and our classmates, watching Ms. Nickels tear up as she was conducting, seeing Sara barely able to not bawl on stage... I stood on the stage and squeezed ARon's hand, and we sang Lonesome Road... and I managed to not start crying until after we were offstage.
But my god, what an emotional fuck. Look at what we've done, how far we've come, and where we're going... we've still got a long way to go... and now- without each other...

"Walk down that lonesome road all by yourself
Dont turn your head back over your shoulder
And only stop to rest yourself when the silver moon
Is shining high above the trees"

Five days.

Posted at 03:09 pm by marsfire331
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Wednesday, December 10, 2008
June through December

You know

I know it wasn't different, and I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking clearly, and though I wasn't in a state to be thinking clearly, that was my fault too. But what's done is done, I've forgotten already and I can't and won't go back.

What's happened here is strange. Everything is flying by so fast I haven't taken the time to look at it and see what exactly it is. Frankly, I'm not sure I care to know.
For now, the answer lies in this -
"Already am, always was, and I still have time to be.."


Saturday, November 15, 2008 

Settle.
Current mood:rambling.

I still don't know what you're chasing, but I'm starting to think I've misplaced my faith in you...
    ...maybe the time for cute stories is over.
..I think I'm growing out of it anyway.

Maybe I'm waking up from the "indie movie" dream and starting a new, quieter, more real, more fantastic existence.

I think that's what I really want here... simple, happy and true...  
    ...as long as there are still sparkles...


Tuesday, October 21, 2008 

Reciprocated.

It would figure of course, that I decide to spill my heart for yet another one who's leaving. Soon. And it would also figure that it was an accident, again.

"You drive me crazy."
"Reciprocated!"
"I think you make me smile more than anyone, ever, combined."
"Well, that's good..."
"Yes, it is."
"Yes, I was agreeing. I'm very agreeable around you... it's because I like you. I like you too much."
"Too much?"
"Far too much."
"I didn't know that was possible... How is that possible?"

It's very possible to like someone too much, to be too attached because you know you're going to watch them cut the cord.
I'm trying so hard to not let it break my heart, trying to keep my heart my own, but it's slipping. Melting. But I haven't said it, I haven't said anything.. which is almost the same as me not thinking it... but still, it's a sad thought in the back of my mind. I'm not running from it, I just would like to not deal with it until I absolutely have to... which is soon I'm sure. Too soon. Always.

It was compulsive. It was a practice in self control.
Now it's nights spent on impromtu camping trips, awake all night talking, just being close...
I guess I'm complicated, and I guess he's pretty simple.
And who the hell would've guessed Suzi would be right?
I'm not ready to let him go... I've already gotten too used to having him around.
Ugh. I should have kept quiet, should have taken off my pants and just let it be that and only that.
But none was to be had. This is something different, something special, and he makes me feel like the world is sparkling and magic... he makes me feel safe.
When I can't stop the sad face from showing, I can just crawl into his lap and bury my face in his shoulder and he'll wrap his arms around me and I'll be ok.

I don't know what it is, but I've got him just as much as he's got me- we must be going crazy, and it is magic.


Thursday, October 16, 2008 

You donít even know.

but don't stop
proving me wrong
please don't leave-
not before i'm gone
i want you to love me, i'm really bad like that
don't let me have it yet because i'll throw it right back
i'll believe it when you say it
i want it now but i know you'll wait
until you're sure you mean it too

don't freak out
when it escapes my mouth
i've been trying real hard
to keep those words from coming out
not sure of anything
execept now you're here
who knows for how long
i don't want to ask
then i'd have to know
wear my bruises happily
live without sleep
hanging on knowing
maybe it doesn't mean a thing
moments are too few
i won't miss any time spent with you
i'm not saying it's important
i'm not sure if you care
i know this is good
i know it's not fair


Wednesday, October 15, 2008 

Punctuation is important kids...

otherwise, everything's just a hodgepodge of words.

don't freak out if it escapes my mouth i've been trying real hard to keep those words from coming out i'm not real sure of anything execept now you're here but who knows for how long i don't want to ask because then i'd have to know i'll just wear my bruises happily and live without sleep hanging on the edge of knowing maybe it doesn't mean a thing but the moments are too few and i don't want to miss any time spent with you i'm not saying it's anything important and i'm not sure if you care but i know this is good and i know it's not fair


Tuesday, October 07, 2008 

Obviously I like these.

Ten things you wish you could say to 10 different people (don't list names):
1. You know I love you to death, but sometimes you annoy the hell out of me.
2. I love watching you realize you are your own person.
3. I'm so glad you followed your heart instead of what you thought  you were supposed to do.
4. I'm sorry for not telling you sooner.
5. I was flattered by your 'confession', but I didn't reply because I didn't want to be awkward.
6. I hope someone gives you warning before I have to...
7. The way you look at me drives me crazy.
8. I think I get it now, but I still think what you did was spineless.
9. I miss your hugs.
10. I still kind of think it's stupid, but I hope it works out for you.


Nine things about yourself:
1. I worry a lot.
2. I'm starting to realize exactly how reckless I can be.
3. I am definitely a bad role model.
4. I honestly don't understand what I'm doing with my life, but I'm enjoying it too much to question it.
5. I dislike wearing pants.
6. I hate when people try to 'keep' me when I'm already gone.
7. I love dessert.
8. I also love love.
9. I want to move, not because I hate this place, but because I just want to be anonymous.

Eight childhood memories:
1. Being stung by an entire beehive. (twice)
2. Going to the Padres games.
3. When my brother broke his leg.
4. My first trip to the school nurse.
5. Getting my blood drawn when I was 5.
6. Learning to play tetherball (and getting a black eye).
7. The amazing lunches my dad used to pack for school.
8. Learning to rollerblade through extensive use of knee pads and wrist guards.

Seven things that cross your mind a lot:
1. My future.
2. Not wanting to mess up other people's futures...
3. Why I should/should not invest in a taser/knife.
4. Getting attacked by mountain lions/axe murderers/ ranger impersonators/ otherwise deranged crack heads while adventuring in the desert. (Yes, I'm paranoid.)
5. How much I really do just enjoy living.
6. How I really do need to save more money.
7. The world at large.

Six ways to win your heart:
1. Make me smile.
2. Show me something new.
3. Make me a mix.
4. Like musicals.
5. Be dependable.
6. And always always always be honest with me.

Five turn offs:
1. Clinginess.
2. Blatant pretentiousness.
3. Hanging around where I work frequently.
4. Disrespect.
5. Bad manners in general.

Four things you'll never forget:
1. The way it felt in choir to fill a room with music and make something greater than any one could alone.
2. The catharsis of dancing in the first summer rainstorm.
3. The night I went crazy and Max, Kyle, and Colby came to make sure I was ok.
4. The sunshine feeling of love.

Three wishes for your future:
1. To never lose my sense of self.
2. To not be alone.
3. To be happy.

Two things you want to do before you die:
1. Go hang gliding.
2. And see London.

One confession:
1. I know you thought you had me, but you didn't. I'm not anyone's and I'm not gone either, I'm just my own.


Monday, September 29, 2008 

Switch on, switch off and explode.
Current mood:  gloomy

Honestly, I'm just doing my best to not be a life ruiner. I know it's disappointing a few people that I really care about, but really. They don't seem to get that I can't deal with being "it". You can only like me so much before I'll start pushing you  away. I can't be in that stupid dreaded box.

I need room to wander and fuck up and have it only affect me...
It's time for a change again and there are people I care about far too much to hold too close while I decide to cut out the excess. Besides, when it comes down to it, I am definitely not the girl you want holding the cards.
Not when you're playing for keeps and I just want to play for fun...


Wednesday, September 10, 2008 

Seasons are changing.

And I've changed too. A lot.

Whereas before I would think over every action endlessly until I'd talked myself out of whatever it was I was thinking about doing, now- I just do it. I don't care. You never know what's going to happen until you try it. So.

I've opened new doors and found new ways around old situations. Whereas before, I wouldn't consider the things I'm doing now- I've surrendered to impluse and ideas and I'm more in love with life than ever... and it keeps getting better.

Nothing is certain, and I honestly have no idea, but I know it's going to be okay.

Thatís not Orionís Belt.
Current mood:tired and confused. damn.

Ugh. So much just happened... change is going to have to come faster than I anticipated... Kind of makes me want to kill myself... seems like a better alternative to breaking these boys's hearts... since when am I the girl who breaks people's hearts? I don't want to. I don't want to. I don't want to...


He pulls up to my car and he's like "so you going home.."
and I'm like "yeah. I am really am tired I think I'm ready to go home" I open the door and he's like "what am I to you?"

"what?"

"tonight was weird... I mean like p... you really do have a lot of guy friends and it kinda freaks me out...and that's bad because it gives the impression that I can't hang out with your friends, and I'm not saying that it's just... I guess because I don't know how you act around your other guy friends... I mean it kinda freaked me out that this was my last night to hang out and I wanted to hang out with you and then p was here..."

"oh. do we need to have a talk? because I, (gesture to the open door) I don't like doing talks, and now? really? do we really need to have an 'us' conversation? what do you mean?"

"I mean, I'm not trying to be just another guy friend who takes you out and treats you nice and it's not like I'm one of those guys who's like 'it's all or nothing' I mean, I still wanna hang out with you...I just want to know if there's possibilities or if I should stop wasting [...I can't remember exactly what he said but basicly stop wasting his time]"

He asked me if I wanted him to be honest, I looked at him and said "always."
"I had a crush on you for six months before I actually asked for your number. I am driving my roommates crazy because all I talk about is you. I spend my day thinking about you and playing guitar. Since we've been hanging out, I've been recording some really good stuff, and it's an awesome coincidence."

"I mean, I've got alot of stuff going on in my life too, but I mean, I could make room for you, I'd like to..."

"So now I've laid all my cards on the table and you've still got your poker face on."

I couldn't help but quip about what a nice line that was... how clever (he's really good at that!) but after that it was my turn, unfortunately sticking to my evasive honesty... I told him I don't know what I want... I told him I've got some stuff I'm working out... I told him I wanted him to be there too, I told him I just don't want to rush into anything like I seem to have always done before because it doesn't seem to work out for me... Then I asked what he wanted to do right now.
"Well, I'd either like you to exit my vehicle or close the door..."
I decidedly shut the door, "Now what?"
"Well... that's entirely up to you."
"Well, if you're still down to go, the airport"
"Well alright then."

We continued the night and went to the airport, didn't kill a baby bunny, then went out to "his" spot... up on the Bisti highway and saw a phenomenal view of Farmington, like, seriously, amazing. After that, we finally went back to my car and I went home... but we definitely fufilled our usual 6 hours of hanging out and then some.

There was so much more in that talk... but still.. oh geez. Way to trap me into a 'talk'. I hate 'talks.' This weekend is going to suck.


Sunday, August 03, 2008 

Scenic route.
Current mood:  pensive

I don't wanna grow old
Bring me all the toys you can find
You don't wanna grow up
You can be my partner in crime...



"Let's just stay teenagers forever.."
No. Not quite, but let's stay amazing forever.

Thirteen days and then this last summer is gone. Maybe...
I'm ready for fall, ready for sleepy time... this summer's been crazy amazing wonderful but it's time to move on.

This time, I'll believe in second chances, but not third.
This time, I'm not giving in so easy.

Everything's changing, but in a crazy way that I never saw coming. It's still kind of freaking me out how not according to plan everything went. But not really, because it's going to be okay.

Donít worry baby

It's gonna be alright. Remember we're just getting started, the first official day of summer hasn't even happened yet.

I think the summer boy thing has kinda been blown out of proportion...
I mean honestly, last summer was perfect- but it wasn't just the boy.
There's really no perfection to strive for here, it's all perfect just the way it is- a flingy love interest isn't required, it's the accessory. Promise.

What made last summer perfect was the way we were happy. The way we'd drive around for hours pulling over, jumping out and dancing in random parking lots like idiots hoping no one would pay attention. The way we'd climb up on the rooftop and take really bad pictures, admiring the moon, the stars, and the city lights. The way we'd call each other as a storm was coming in, waiting  for it to get to us so we could go dance unabashedly in the rain. It was the way we were free from inhibitions, not purposefully looking for attention most of the time... The way we'd dress ridiculously and then go play in sprinklers. The way you'd come to my house while I snuck out and we'd run around for hours in the middle of the night playing the bunny game. It was the meteor shower, it was the trampoline, but most of all, it was the company.

It was knowing that the people there with you were really there- knowing that you were feeling the same thing as the person next to you, feeling that maybe everything wasn't perfect, but at that moment, it was right.

Last summer was the first summer there was an absence of the depression that seems to hang around our lives. What made last summer perfect was the absence of tragic heartbreaks from first loves and the freedom we found in just being.

So now we're two years past all that... or maybe just a few months, but that's besides the point.
Yes, the boys are fun, but they're not necessary. Our boys are really all we need, they are the ones who make summers perfect because they are the ones who will still be here when summer's over.

Posted at 08:17 am by marsfire331
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Thursday, January 24, 2008
moon rise

i was supposed to write a paper.
a paper on an excerpt from Lady Windermere's Fan,
analyzing the personal values of the characters and the society they live in
but i caught a glimpse of the moon rising.

most people would say I'm lazy
unmotivated.
that i just lack dedication.
whatever the cause, i caught a glimpse of the moon
and i drove. with the window down and the heater blasting,
listening to songs that remind me of time spent with you.
naturally.

i sat there alone on the hilltop in the dark, inhaling the menthol and exhaling freezing clouds of breath
i watched the amber moon rise in it's own halo of purple
slicing through the black winter night, over this small town's city lights
that i
can't wait to escape

but there are rules to getting out.
the goal is always the same
make money by going to college by going to class and getting the grades and therefore if i want to escape i must write my paper!
as if there can be no other way

but i stayed
and i watched the midwinter moon rise.
because funny thing about life,
no one gets out alive.

and if i had died the next day,
i'd be able to say i was happy and made the most of my life
it's far too short to live by someone else's rules

but you look at me sad,
"you could have been so much more"
as i stand here, making the snow dirty with the ashes
of the dreamhouse you built and placed me in
expecting me to stay

the moon sails over this town
makes it glow warm
and it looks like a dream home
that i burn down every day

Posted at 01:45 pm by marsfire331
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Monday, August 20, 2007
even more old

Thursday, April 05, 2007

 

The thing is...

I don't want to be put in one of their stupid high school boxes.
"That's bullshit Marianna, you're dating him. He's your boyfriend and you're his girlfriend. Shut up."
Like it has to be their way, the way they see it, and it can't possibly be anything else. Telling me how my life is.
No. Fucking nail me in a coffin then, why don't you? Put me in your stupid little box of how I have to act and what I have to do and what I should go by.
No.

It's my personal life, that you received no invitation to. I just don't want to deal with people talking about me. I know no matter what, people will, but my business is my business. Leave me alone. I think of enough problems myself without other people butting in and creating more for me. I don't want drama.


Instead, how about the quiet things that no one ever knows?

         

why does it matter if its a "stupid high school box" if it makes you happy? i cant believe you just compared dating a certain sweet boy  to being nailed into a coffin. good grief marianna, i dont understand you. i love you, but i dont get it. it makes you happy, why do you have to fight it? you dont have to fight everything

 

sorry i butt in


Posted at 09:46 pm by marsfire331
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more old

Friday, August 03, 2007

Saints and sailors.
Current mood: indifferent

This is where I say I've had enough
and no one should ever feel the way that I feel now.
A walking open wound,
a trophy display of bruises
and I don't believe that I'm getting any better, any better.

Waiting here with hopes the phone will ring
and I'm thinking awful things
and I'm pretty sure that few would notice.
And this apartment
is starving for an argument.
Anything at all to break the silence.

Wandering this house
like I've never wanted out
and this is about as social as I get now.
And I'm throwing away the letters that I am writing you
'cause they would never do,
I would never do, never.

So don't be a liar,
don't say that "everything's working"
when everything's broken.
And you smile like a saint
but you curse like a sailor
and your eyes say the joke's on me.
But I'm not laughing and you're not leaving
and who do I think I am kidding
When I'm the only one locked in this cell?


I've been thinking lately, about not thinking.
Finally got my sleeping pills and I give up on trying to be an intellectual.
I give up on myself for now.

What have I been doing these past few months?
Honestly, I have no clue.

Resolutions to make things better don't mean a thing, because alone and upset, I cling to the same things. I don't quit for good, but for now, I need to.

I need a little reflection, maybe a little new direction... I need something new, because I am thouroughly disatisfied with life right now.

Lately, I'm so apathetic.
It's time for change.


Sunday, June 24, 2007

Don't you see it yet?

Make a big deal about something, and I won't care.
Don't make plans for me, I'll break them.
Tell me I'm a failure and I'll believe you any day.
But tell me I did something good, and I won't believe you.

I'm tired of hearing one thing, and being subjected to another.
I hardly believe words anymore, so show me you mean it.

All I want in life isn't good enough for you and I'm sorry.
My dreams have nothing to do with success or money.
I won't grow up to be what you want from me.


Two years ago I said I was so sorry to have broken all your expectations, but remember, like I said, I'm not making any promises.

In two years, that's all that's remained true.
I'll never be great, or amazing, but maybe I'll be happy.


Monday, June 18, 2007

"I will miss those lips...

and everything attatched to them."

But like I said, I'm not up for dealing with a big dramatic triangle dealio.
It's been sweet, it's been fun, but in the end, it comes down to this-
You can stay or go. But there will be no back and forth.

I've told you this from the start- if you want to go then go, don't let anyone hold you back.
Yeah, including me.

I'm a sucker for second chances (or 17th as the case may be), but there have to be some stipulations. I don't give up easy when I find something I want.

So maybe this is my turn, but I'm not planning for it. I'm planning for some balloons and trampolines, because without them I am finished.



Saturday, June 16, 2007

Doubt. Intuition. Trust. Karma.

Don't fuck around with me, okay? I know I've got some serious weaknesses of character, and I'm not going to put up with much of anyone who tries to fuck me over again.

If you're going to lie to me, you better start coming clean now, because I'm not giving you the chance to really hurt me. I wish people wouldn't underestimate me, at least not when it comes to people. People don't really get how much I know about other people, and don't really seem to understand how well I read other people.

So this will be fun, and it will be real fun, but it might not be real.

I've got the people I really need and I love them dearly- I don't have to have you and if you're not worth it, I won't keep hanging around.

I firmly believe karma will take care of you in the end.
It will all come back three fold and I am patient.


Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Oh!

I don't like cheating.

And I'm not just talking about relationships. I mean like, tests and homework and stuff.

It's stupid and it pisses me off.

Yeah, I'm fucking lazy. I don't do my work. But I fucking suck it up and take the consequences for my non-action.

So you didn't study for the test, cheating doesn't really help.
I mean, I guess that's just how I was raised, but if you don't know the answer yourself, copying it from someone else may get you the grade, but it doesn't help you in the long run. And honestly, I don't care about the grade. That's probably where I'm wrong, but at least the grade I get is what I earned. I stopped doing my work because I got tired of people always copying it from me. It really gets to me, I don't mind once or twice, it happens. But I hate people expecting me to do their work for them.

Fuck off.




Posted at 09:41 pm by marsfire331
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Old ness

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

When is enough enough?
Current mood: ashamed and aggravated

So, I've been trying to be mature when dealing with Sharlee, and I feel rather ashamed with my behavior tonight.

Since this Sharlee jumping naked on Jared business, I don't know how much more I should just let go. Obviously, I haven't let that go yet anyway...
Honestly, she still thinks she can just show up at his house, take off her clothes and get her way?

I'm rather... riled about that still.

So tonight, Jared took me to Connie Mack as I've never been before, and lo and behold, we spot Sharlee chatting with Steven and Kashmir. Without even saying anything about it, Jared and I both look away and start walking faster away from them. Then I heard someone shout my name, and was relieved to see it was Kashmir walking towards us. After a quick exchanging of pleasantries with Kashmir, Jared and I went to go sit down, but I still couldn't let it go.

She tried calling Jared and I told him not to call her back.
Then, on our way out, Angelica stopped us. The whole time we were standing there talking, I was watching out for Shar, and as soon as I saw her, I pulled Jared closer to me and a million angry things flooded through my mind.On the way out, I kept thinking how fun it would be to break her face with brass knuckles maybe... or shove her face into a wall... or my favorite non-violent idea- mace her! Seriously, that sounds like a nice way to say "Back the fuck off. Seriously."

Then, after we'd left, we were sitting at Sonic and Jared says "I'm really glad she didn't like, try and jump on you or anything."
"WHAT?!"
"She's said that before... like she said she'd kill you and stuff"
"Oh really?" Now, I'm a pacifist, and more than that, I'm trying really really hard to be mature about this, but come on. I am not one to fuck with.
"Sharlee didn't know me a couple of years ago, I was really angry then. And rather violent. I kinda think a lot of people still remember that, because most people generally know that I am not one to fuck with."

And I am ashamed. Because obviously, I've got quite an ego when it comes down to it. I've let it go for a long time, and at this point, I think it's kind of unhealthy. I really need to come up with a better solution for this before school starts, because I don't really want to beat the shit out of her. Maybe it would do her good, but I don't think violence is right. Violence is the answer of stupidty. Rwar.
I am rather frustrated still. And imagine, all this and I haven't actually exchanged words with her in months.



Wednesday, August 01, 2007

Summer wonderful.
Current mood: skeptical

"So are you sure?"
Yeah... does it not seem like it?
"It does... but it seems like you're going about it very cautiously and being very.. cynical about it"
Yeah.



"wow morgan talks to every guy i talk to. thats cool. i hope she falls for u too"
What the hell is that? Goddamn private profiles.

Stuff like that is why I am the way I am.
Cautious? Yeah.
Nosey? Yeah.
Cynical? Fuck yeah.

But is it any wonder?


It's been a summer.

A wonderful summer from spaceships and bundt cakes, to stargazing on rooftops, to water fights and pillow fights and building sandcastles. It's been amazing and everything I could have ever hoped for, but summer is ending soon and where does that leave me this time?

And what if, just maybe, I've got it all wrong?
Talk about indiscretion.



Sunday, July 22, 2007

Finally.

Well, I finally can hate you. This is what you seem to have wanted all along, and you got it, you win. I can't believe I held on for so long for such a cowardly liar.
But hey, that's me. It's my fault.

I let you in and let you walk all over me.
How could I blame you for such things as betrayal, or you know lack of spine? It was all for "my benefit" right? So you wouldn't "hurt me", right?
It would have been far too painful for me if you had just told me what happened, far better to just let me have my suspisions and slice myself up over it right?

Oh god, I am so done. Done trying to make things okay, trying to be your friend.
I never did anything wrong, except in loving you so much I was willing to blind myself and cut deeper because that's how fucking sympathetic I was.

Stupid, I know, but let's all hope I learned my lesson...


Thursday, July 05, 2007

 

On second thought....

I've been really tired lately, so needless to say, when he called me this morning saying she was calling him, making him mad, and saying stuff about me I got fed up. Really, I'm tired of all this crap, so I wrote this really long ranty letter. But on second thought, I don't think I'll send it to her. I don't want to flare up more drama that will probably blow up more in Jared's face than mine (though my original plan is to get her problems with me out in the open so Jared doesn't have to be the middle man or whatever.) Anyway, after talking to him about it, I probably won't send it to her unless something else happens or something. It's silly, but I had to get the rant out somehow.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: marianna [the sauce]
Date: Apr 16, 2007 9:04 PM


I wish awkwardness would be gone too. Awkwardness is lame.


----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: ♥sharlee
Date: Apr 16, 2007 9:56 PM


Marianna, i love you to death. and Im not mad at you in any way. and anytime i yell at jared..its not because of you, its because he is being an insensitive bastard. sorry..its just an awkward situation that is going on between all of us. and its just really hard to get over the fact that he has moved on. But if hes going to be with someone, im so glad its you. i just wanted to tell you that so you didnt think im mad at you or anything becuase i couldnt be mad at you
I LOVE YOU!!!

------------------------------------------------------

So Sharlee,
I noticed you're back from Nebraska, looks like you had a lovely time.

It's been a few months now, and I can't help but feel that this "awkwardness" hasn't really gone away yet...
That makes me kinda sad, because we used to be friends, we giggled like silly girls in third hour and sang in practice rooms and went on field trips.

I just thought maybe I should thank you... because if it hadn't been for you, I might not be as happy as I am right now.

I'm not sure if you remember, but way back in January, you told me I should go to prom with Jared... and I told you that'd be really weird, but it didn't matter because I was out of town during prom anyway.
Then, you started talking about your "crushes" on Aaron and Joe. Then, you started telling me about how I should date Jared. But I was like "No, that'd be really weird. You're my friend!"
But you were like "No! You totally should! It'd work out perfect!"
THEN you and Jared started hanging out with me and Max and lunch.
THEN you stopped and it was just Max, Jared and I at lunch.
And then lots of stuff happened.
I believe it culminated in lots of dramatic scenes of you storming off, nights of hearing about your constant calls, and a hiatus of our friendship.

Now, perhaps I'm egotistical, but I like to think that I'm extremely empathetic, at least when it comes to people I happen to like, so I've tried really hard to understanding, because I feel like I've been there before. Granted, a different situation, but similar nonetheless and I'd like to believe in human ability to relate to one another.  So I can imagine how you feel, but I can't help but feel that you're reacting rather juvenilely.

Being the pacifist that I am, I've just let things go as they may, because I believe that's the more responsible thing to do.

Out of respect and loyalty to what had been out friendship before, when Jared tells me about how you want to get back together with him and all the things you say to try and convince him, I shrug and don't reply with rebuttal, I tell him to go for whatever makes him happy. Whether that's you or me, as long as he was happy.
I thought maybe you should know that in the very beginning, when he started calling me at night, I would tell him about all my flaws. All the fucked up stuff that's happened with me in the past. And I did this with intentions of showing just how unamazing I am. I never tried to be something amazing to keep him away from you.

So forgive me if I happen to think that you're slanderous remarks about me cheating on him and being an evil bitch are getting out of hand.
As I've never been anything but honest with you, please, show me the error of my ways. Because you know, I'd hate to think that I actually am an evil bitch and a little slut muffin to top it, and I figure if anyone would know what characterizes those things, you'd be able to tell me.

I suppose with the writing of this letter as it had progressed , I've probably burned any and all bridges that might have had us be friends again, but it was my true intent to just end this bullshit and maybe be friends again.

So if I'm out of line let me know… I just want to be through with this stupid immature grapevine game and move on with life.

1:55 AM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

Miss Becca

Very good
Now, all you need to do is send it
Ily.

Posted by Miss Becca on Thursday, July 05, 2007 at 2:32 AM
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miss morgan

i agree. please send it. even if it does make a big scene, it is so brilliant and witty that she HAS to read it.

Posted by miss morgan on Thursday, July 05, 2007 at 10:07 AM
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Thursday, June 28, 2007

In honor of Morgan: Indie learning time.

Laying in the grass, tonight he said "I love you", I paused, smiled, shook my hair out of his face, and said "I think I love you too."

So that's not bad. Just different. See, I'm not all illusioned anymore. As in, I have no illusions of this being "the one", despite Julia's "more than one THE ONE" theory; I just don't want to find "the one" right now.

Now, I love this boy, but it's different. It's always going to be different, and more than anything, I learned that through Dorian. Because of Dorian, I've stopped looking for patterns and just let things happen as they may. And as they so happened, "the dragon" drama is over, and we've reconnected and restarted and everything is good.

This boy makes me so very happy, and I love just being with him. Being silly, being random, pushing him off things and getting him soaking wet before he has to go to work. It's a shame I'm always making him late like that...

Yes, love. What a concept.












Posted at 09:33 pm by marsfire331
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Sunday, August 05, 2007
sfasdf

What's going on?

Put yourself on the line- but only in pictures. Remain emotionally distant. Act like an arrogant asshole with appropriate slut overtones. Apparently, it's some magic formula for people to love you. Or declare their love for you online, and is there much difference for these people?
The validation they need comes from random strangers who tell them they're beautiful.

So ready to attack when offended. I'm sorry, I'm trying to stop. That doesn't mean anything to you now, together we've burned away all those bridges that were just in bad repair before. I lost so much.. and the patterns keep repeating. I know I'm supposed to be forgetting about the patterns, right? I managed to for awhile, but times like these it's not so easy to forget.

We're running out of time. It's so far away, but it's gonna hit fast. When you're waiting for something, it always takes forever to come, but once it does, you realize you've lost track of what happened between....

So anyway... things should be looking up soon...




Friday, July 06, 2007

 

Yeah you bleed
Current mood: restless and rebellious

just to know you're alive.

But I don't bleed. In fact, my scars are starting to fade and I feel lost. Like I don't know who I am without my scars... I've got the bad one that will probably never go away, but the ones on my arms that I've seen everyday for years... they're disappearing. I've changed a lot, but I'm not sure I'm ready to grow out of my scars yet...





Sunday, April 15, 2007

So much more

I just want to let it go. I don't want to talk about it. If it's over, it's over. Why keep dragging it around?


A quick fix that takes my breath away.
I don't want to lose this,
Not a quick fall, but a slow descent
A slow descent could be okay...



Wednesday, April 11, 2007

 

Before I go

Careful what you do, unless you want to undo what's been done.

I'll be missing you, but we'll see just how much you miss me once I'm gone.



Love ya!

PS.
Don't worry love, I swear you're not bad, and you're not even a witch. So there.
When I get back, we'll see about our non-prom nonsense!





Posted at 08:30 pm by marsfire331
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Wednesday, July 11, 2007
hmm

Last night I dreamed I saw you. That I actually went to see you- at your house, 500 miles away...
We stood in the kitchen and held each other and I told you you'd been on my mind.
Something happened...

Posted at 12:04 pm by marsfire331
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Friday, July 06, 2007
In essence.

I'm sorry for every time I ever made you doubt that you were amazing, whether or not I meant to. You just disappeared, and you said it was for the best that you did what you did. Okay, I believe you. (but my tommy gun don't). I'm sorry for all the times I lash out at you because you're not there. You never had to be, but I was always greatful that you were. Whether or not you believe me, I truly truly mean it when I say I wish you well, not only that, but the best. I wish you true happiness no matter where you end up.

I'm not sure who I am right now. I don't like it. I think I'm in way over my head, further than I believe....



Posted at 11:15 pm by marsfire331
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